


speak what your heart wants you to

by lifewasradical



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up Talk, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I Love You, Kinda, Love Confessions, M/M, Michael just won't tell Luke he loves him anymore, Personal Growth, also kinda - Freeform, yeah that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 10:40:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29434740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lifewasradical/pseuds/lifewasradical
Summary: “Thank you, babe,” Luke smiles, pressing a kiss to Michael’s cheek, “I love you.”Michael ducks his head, playing with the edge of his long sleeve shirt. “Yeah, no problem,” he says, completely dismissing Luke’s “I love you.”Or, Michael stops telling Luke that he loves him
Relationships: Michael Clifford/Luke Hemmings
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	speak what your heart wants you to

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FayeHunter](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FayeHunter/gifts).



> hello hello!! this is a prompt fic for my love [Em](https://pixiegrl.tumblr.com) who asked for "are you finished that or?" somehow this totally ran away from me and became much more angsty than I originally anticipated. Additional shoutout to [Brooke](https://blackbutterfliescal.tumblr.com) for inspiring this fic unintentionally. 
> 
> title from Tell Her You Love Her by Echosmith

On the last day of tour, Luke messes up his own routine so badly that he thinks his entire day is going to be shitty. He normally manages to get up, get showered and ready, and get through soundcheck quick enough to have time to warm up his vocals at a leisurely pace. But today he slept through his alarm, which set the rest of the day off and left him rushing to warm up properly before they’re set to go on stage.

It has a tiny vein of anxiety shooting through Luke’s brain, thinking about how he’s not going to be prepared for the show and then he’s going to strain his voice and then he’s going to have to be on vocal rest before shows and he’s going to disappoint the fans and --

“Luke?” Michael calls, knocking on the door to the room Luke had been hiding out in. Luke sucks in a deep breath, blowing it out through his mouth to ease his nerves. Michael’s head pops around the door, smiling at Luke before he enters.

In Michael’s hand is a paper cup with a lemon on the edge, steam rising from the hot liquid. “I figured you could use some warm lemon water. Honey too,” Michael says, handing the cup off to Luke.

When Luke raises an eyebrow, Michael shrugs, “I know you were stressed about running late today so I thought it might help.”

Luke takes a long sip, letting the warm liquid coat his throat. The heat fills him completely, though Luke suspects that some of that heat is adoration for Michael’s thoughtfulness. “Thank you, babe,” Luke smiles, pressing a kiss to Michael’s cheek, “I love you.”

Michael ducks his head, playing with the edge of his long sleeve shirt. “Yeah, no problem,” he says, completely dismissing Luke’s “I love you.”

It doesn’t sit right, not hearing Michael echo those words back at him easily. It’s not like this is the first time Luke has said he loves Michael or vice versa. They’ve been sharing those words endlessly since basically the day that they started dating officially, spilling out of them like they’re overflowing with love for one another and can’t possibly wait another minute to say it.

So Michael not reciprocating the love leaves Luke speechless and a bit more anxious than he was before, watching the way that Michael trails out of the room as quickly as he entered. That anxious pit stays in Luke’s gut long through his warm up and into the show, though he hopes that no one can notice that he’s feeling off his game completely.

Neither Calum nor Ashton say a word if they notice and Michael doesn’t act any differently than normal, so Luke tries to put the situation behind him and moves on with his life, ready to remind Michael of their love at any chance he gets.

* * *

  
That chance ends up happening a few hours later, Luke fresh out the shower and Michael lounging on the bed in their hotel room. They elected to stay one more night before heading back to their own houses, eager to enjoy one last night together before they spend some time apart. It’s a band tradition, going their separate ways for a few days after tour to decompress after living out of each other’s pockets for an extended period of time. This tradition continued even after Luke and Michael started properly dating, ensuring that they weren’t becoming too codependent at such a young age.

So when they were told they could stay one night at a hotel or fly back home immediately following the show, they both chose to spend a night together knowing that they weren’t going to have an alarm to worry about the next morning. Their flight wasn’t until after dinner, giving them plenty of time to relax and enjoy their time before going their separate ways.

“Congrats on the end of tour,” Luke grins, pressing a kiss to Michael’s forehead as he climbs into bed next to his love.

Michael smiles, lightly twirling a piece of Luke’s damp hair around his finger, “We had a hell of a run.” Michael clicks his phone shut and places it on the nightstand, rolling onto his side facing towards Luke. Luke mirrors his position, first shutting off his bedside light and plugging in his own phone.

“Hi,” Luke smiles in the darkness, bodies separated by a foot or so of space. Luke wants to move forward and latch onto Michael, but he still feels a bit off after the interaction in the dressing room. He wants to bother Michael about it more, but he also doesn’t want to push yet, knowing that Michael will clam up and not share his thoughts at all if he is pressured into it.

“You little shit,” Michael responds fondly, rolling to lay on his back, an invitation for Luke to press himself into Michael’s space. Luke eagerly accepts the offer, wrapping himself around Michael with his head on his chest. From his position, Luke can hear every individual beat of Michael’s heart, his favorite steady noise.

It’s almost enough to lull him to sleep instantly, overtired from an expansive tour. But true to Luke’s upbringing, he can’t go to bed without expressing his love for Michael, so he tilts his head up to look at Michael’s face. He finds Michael with his eyes trained on the ceiling, hand coming up around Luke’s back to draw little shapes on his bare skin.

“What are you thinking so hard about?” Luke whispers, not wanting to break the heavy sleep filled energy that has graced the room.

Michael hums, closing his eyes, “Just the end of tour. Gonna miss falling asleep next to you every night.”

The simple sentence has butterflies fluttering in Luke’s chest and a light blush dusting his cheeks in the shadowed room. It’s not often that Michael is honest about his thoughts, but hidden in the darkness, almost anything is on the table.

“Okay,” Luke accepts, settling back against Michael’s chest easily. He counts the seconds as Michael inhales, holds the breath, and exhales. “I love you,” Luke offers, pressing a kiss to Michael’s exposed chest.

Michael’s breathing catches and Luke pretends not to notice, pattern returning to normal quickly. “Join the club,” Michael laughs under his breath, pressing a kiss to Luke’s curls.

It’s not what Luke wants to hear nor does it relax his worried heart. He sits up wondering what it all means long after Michael has fallen asleep.

* * *

When they get off the plane in the early evening, back on California soil, Luke feels the dread of being separated from Michael sink in. He knows this is good, that they need to reassess how to be individuals outside of touring before they’re able to exist as a couple again, but it doesn’t stop Luke from whining as Michael calls for the car to his own house while Luke is booking his own.

“Are you sure you don’t want to just come to my house? Petunia would love to see you,” Luke tries to convince Michael.

Michael sighs, taking a quick survey of the people around them before pressing an incredibly quick kiss to Luke’s temple. “You know I want to, love.” He leaves it at that, creating space between them in case anyone is looking at them. They always need to be careful, not letting their relationship out to the public before they’re ready.

Luke huffs, rolling his eyes but nodding in acceptance, “I know, I just… I’m gonna miss you.” Luke pouts, wishing desperately that he could give Michael a proper kiss right now before they go their own ways, but they prepared for this moment tenfold before leaving the hotel.

“We can still play video games tomorrow, that doesn’t count against us since we’re not actually together,” Michael reasons, smiling at Luke before taking his luggage and preparing to get into his car.

Luke nods, smiling sadly before heading his own direction, “I love you, Mike.”

Michael smiles weakly back at him, looking around the airport quickly before shooting Luke finger guns and turning around, walking off in the opposite direction. Luke lets his jaw drop and he contemplates yelling out after Michael to know just what the fuck this is all about, but he only sighs and moves towards his own waiting ride home.

Luke feels like Michael is walking away with his whole heart, leaving Luke with nothing but confusion and emptiness in his wake.

* * *

The next afternoon, Michael texts Luke to load up Fortnite, specifically telling Luke “prepare to get your ass beat because you’re going DOWN.”

Luke smiles despite himself, eyes crinkling at the corners at his boyfriend’s stupidity. Still, he logs in and gets his headset out, excited to spend the next little bit of time talking to Michael. He’s missed his partner greatly since the moment that they parted at the airport, even if Luke is still a bit confused about what happened there. He’s never been one to confront uncomfortable situations, instead letting them simmer until the point of no return.

Though, Luke thinks, three unrequited “I love you’s” is pretty much getting to the breaking point.

“Wassup babyyyyy,” Luke yells the moment he’s logged in and can hear Michael chatting shit.

“Hey, “ Michael responds enthusiastically. Luke hates the tone of voice, frustrated by the lack of interest in that one single word.

“Ready?” he responds, choosing to sound excited regardless of Michael’s monotone greeting.

They start the game easily, playing as individuals rather than on a team. Luke has never been good at Fortnite, only choosing to play with Michael because it’s another chance for them to spend time together. He never once complained, instead enjoying watching Michael win or curse at his losses.

“Fucker, I’m fucking cornered,” Luke complains, aggressively hitting any buttons he can as other players circle around him. He hears Michael sigh over the headset before suddenly all his attackers stop. “Oh?” Luke questions, unsure what happened.

“I killed them,” Michael answers.

“Oh thank god, I love you,” Luke laughs. The love flows out of his mouth easily, a second nature despite whatever is going on between them.

“That’s a horrible decision, really,” Michael counters, immediately shooting Luke and ending his game.

“What the fuck, Michael!” Luke cries, slamming his hands down on the chair. Never in their months of playing together has Michael ever blatantly killed Luke, always only waiting until it was just the two of them left, if they got that far. Luke appreciated knowing that Michael always had his back, even in the video game.

Now Luke wasn’t so sure what was going on.

“You had it coming,” Michael says. Luke can practically hear the shrug in his voice, picturing Michael with a smug grin on his face. It’s almost comforting until Luke places that Michael once again avoided Luke’s “I love you”.

No longer interested in playing games, Luke closes out of Fortnite, “I think I need to take Petunia out.” When Michael doesn’t say anything in response, Luke sighs. “Okay, I’ll talk to you later. I love you, Michael.”

Michael’s answer is smaller than Luke anticipated, the “I know,” echoing in his mind far after he’s closed out of the call. It’s unnerving, hearing Michael react so nonchalantly to Luke’s love. He thinks that this may be the longest that he’s ever gone without hearing Michael tell Luke that he loves him.

The thought of it is enough to make Luke tear up, trying to figure out what it is that set Michael off, why he’s no longer in love with Luke. Was he too clingy? Too annoying? Did he say something that offended Michael? Or. Luke barely wanted to think it, let alone accept that it could be a possibility, but did Michael just fall out of love with him?

Michael, the center of his world and the only reason that he can manage to get out of bed some mornings. Michael, the one who motivated Luke to chase his dreams and believe in himself, both in 2012 and every single day since then. Michael, the actual love of Luke’s fucking life, doesn’t love him back anymore?

Unable to help himself, Luke lets the tears fall, imagining what would happen in his world without Michael. They share the damn band, it’s not like they could just stop interacting entirely if this goes wrong. There was just never a doubt in Luke’s mind that things would either work out for them forever or they would amicably break up so there wouldn’t be any negativity between them all but it looks like that’s off the table.

But Luke is unwilling to let his love die, not wanting to give up so easily, so he convinces himself that the only way to take care of this would be to show up at Michael’s house, intentional distance be damned. He can’t go another day with the bullshit that Michael is pulling, ready to just rip the bandaid off if this is going to be the end of their relationship. He’s not ready for it and he never will be, but Luke thinks that it’ll hurt more if he tries to string himself along and act like everything is okay.

So Luke finds himself at Michael’s doorstep, closed fist posed to knock on the door. Nerves and anticipation have Luke hesitating, almost wishing that he wasn’t here and wasn’t about to confront Michael. But he perseveres, knocking twice and lacing his fingers together.

“Luke?” Michael questions when he opens the door. Michael stands in front of him in joggers and a hoodie, one that Luke knows belongs to him and not Michael himself. That’s a slight comfort, seeing him still wearing Luke’s clothing even if he doesn’t love him anymore. Still, Luke wants to play it cool, work his way into the conversation rather than jumping the gun.

“I missed you,” Luke whines, putting on his best pleading expression as Michael sighs and opens the door. It’s a win on Luke’s side, he thinks, that Michael even let him into the house in the first place.

Luke quickly heads to the living room after tossing his shoes to the side, taking up his normal place on the couch. Michael follows, but instead of taking his standard position next to Luke, he sits on a chair adjacent to him. Luke can’t help the scowl that crosses his face, but he tries to keep his expression neutral.

“What have you been up to?” Luke asks.

Michael shrugs, “Sleeping, video games, you know.”

When he doesn’t offer anything else, Luke nods, licking his lips. “Yeah same, just trying to figure out what it’s like to be off tour again,” Luke says, feeling his heart thumping in his chest. Michael being cold and distant isn’t normal, even when they were nothing more than friends. It’s unnerving, seeing him like this when he should be completely comfortable.

They settle into silence, both looking anywhere but at each other. Luke inhales.

“I love you, Michael.”

“I wish you didn’t.”

The floor falls out from under Luke then and he’s free falling with no parachute. It’s not what he wanted to hear, in fact it’s the farthest thing from it. He can’t help the anger that simmers under the surface, “Are you finished with that? Can you just talk to me like a human instead of replying with stupid shit?” Luke snaps, crossing his legs and his arms.

Michael has the decency to look ashamed, though his words don’t portray the same emotion, “What do you want me to say, Luke?”

“Tell me you don’t love me anymore, if that’s what this is,” Luke says, swallowing the lump in his throat. His eyes water but he blinks rapidly to clear them. Even with his heart on the line, bleeding and raw, Luke won’t be seen as weak right now. He needs to do this, for better or worse.

“That’s not it, Luke,” Michael says, closing his eyes and leaning back against the chair. He looks small like this, enveloped by a big plush chair in the middle of his living room. Luke wants to cuddle him up, to build him up until he’s standing tall again. But that’s not what this is and that’s not what he’s here to do.

“Then what is it, Mike? Every single time I’ve told you I loved you in the past three days, you’ve said anything but that back to me. What am I supposed to think? It seems to me like you’re trying to end this.”

Michael squeezes his eyes shut. Luke itches to reach out to him. Neither of them say a word.

“You deserve better,” Michael whispers.

Luke’s heart clenches and he picks at his fingernails. Luke waits for him to continue, but Michael stays silent.

“What are you talking about, Michael?” Luke asks, softer now against his own will. He can tell Michael is in pain, something going on in his beautiful head that he hasn’t shared with Luke yet. This feels vulnerable, honest in a way that they clearly haven’t been with one another in a while.

“You deserve someone better. Someone who can give you more and not need so much from you. Someone who isn’t fucked up in the head and won’t bring you down all the time.”

Luke is blindsided, blinking at Michael with his mouth wide open. Luke doesn’t agree with a single thing that Michael just said, knowing that he’s been the best version of himself since Michael came into his life as more than a friend and bandmate. He’s been more confident, more open, and happier than he’s felt in years, thanks to the man sitting across from him. Luke wants to tell him as much, but when he opens his mouth, all that comes out is a weak, “Michael.”

“I’m sorry,” Michael says, opening his eyes and looking directly at Luke. His eyes are glossy and bright, shining in the early evening light. Luke has seen Michael broken before many times since the band started, but he thinks that he’s never seen Michael quite as broken as he looks right now. The inner turmoil has clearly been eating him alive, driving him to the point where he no longer thinks he’s worthy of love.

“Babe,” Luke starts, reaching over to grab Michael’s hand from the arm of the chair. Michael lets him, though he bows his head to keep himself guarded.

Luke slides off the couch, crawling on his knees across the two or three feet that separate him from Michael. Luke settles in front of Michael on the floor, letting go of his hand in favor of placing both hands on Michael’s covered knees. Michael sniffles.

“Babe look at me,” Luke asks, stroking a thumb along Michael’s knee cap. Michael doesn’t make a move to look at Luke, just sniffling harder and blinking down at his lap. Luke lets his right hand come up over Michael’s leg, trailing up his arm and onto his scruffy cheek. He gently directs Michael’s gaze to his own, hoping that his expression shows nothing but openness and acceptance.

“Michael I love you, I don’t want anyone else. I belong with you, because you’ve made me a better person every day. I hate that you’ve convinced yourself that I’d be better off without you, have I done anything that has indicated that my life is hard with you?”

Michael wipes some of the tears off of his face, “No, but--”

“No buts then,” Luke cuts him off, “Babe you make me smile every single day. I’ve laughed more since I’ve been with you than I ever have in my life. You’re thoughtful, kind, loving, and my favorite person in the whole world. Without you, I wouldn’t be who I am today.”

Michael doesn’t say anything, just searches Luke’s face for some hint that he’s lying. He finds nothing in Luke’s expression, instead crumpling into heavier tears. Luke leans up, wrapping his arms tightly around Michael. He feels a sick sense of relief that Michael hasn’t fallen out of love with him, but there’s still the sadness that Michael has been harboring these negative emotions for long enough that he convinced himself that he wasn’t worthy of Luke’s love.

“You need to promise me something though,” Luke says, standing back a little to look at Michael properly. Michael nods in response, eyes wide at Luke. “You can’t hold this stuff in. It’s not fair to you, to me, or to your relationship. I deserve better communication and so do you. I’m guilty too, since I was sitting here thinking you fell out of love with me because I wasn’t communicating with you. It’s hard, but you know I won’t ever judge you and I’m always by your side. Let me be there to remind you how important you are to me.”

Michael nods enthusiastically, taking Luke’s hands in his own, “I promise. I won’t do it again. I love you, Luke.”

It’s enough to make Luke’s face split into a wide grin, flooded with relief and peace. Michael still loves him and he had worked himself up for no reason, nervous over the worst case scenario. They’ve learned a lesson here, both vowing to communicate better in the future to ensure that this never happens ever again, not when it’s so easy to tell someone that you love them.

**Author's Note:**

> Talk to me on Tumblr [lifewasradical](https://lifewasradical.tumblr.com) 💜


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